To Get A Woman That Likes Men, Learn To Like Women

[audio available here, courtesy of AskWho]

In “Get You A Woman That Likes Men” I advise men to find a woman that likes men, if possible.

Not one that likes you specifically. Not one that likes some of the things men do. Not one that likes sex with men. A woman that actually likes men in a wholly general sense. Someone who has somehow avoided absorbing the generalized disdain and animus towards the male sex that is the background radiation of our culture.

A reader has pointed out this works both ways, and this is gonna sound just as ridiculous and obvious as before, but… I think he’s right.

You can’t like a specific woman, or women-coded things, or sex with women. You have to actually like feminine values as expressed in women in general. This means things like valuing emotional effects and exploration of intuitions. Ornamentation and decoration. Community stability and coherence. Acceptance and warmth and vulnerability and vibes.

By “value” I don’t just mean accept, and I don’t mean try to emulate them! I mean finding these virtues valuable because they are things that are beautiful and important and you want to see more of these virtues in the world. It is recognizing that you have a major comparative disadvantage in embodying these virtues, and you value someone who has a comparative advantage in embodying them. When you want to fight someone, she reminds you why you should be more discrete. And sometimes you go out and fight anyway, but you love that she disagrees with you and brings a different set of values to the problem, and actively opposes what you want in this case!

The broader virtues of agreeableness and nurturing are pretty lacking in men, as compared to women. It’s why those virtues are considered “feminine.” But those virtues need to be present in every life for it to be a truly good life. If you really value these virtues you will want women-qua-women in a way that’s different from people who don’t. Its a necessary component to finding a woman that likes men in a fully general way.

This is the opposite of how I was raised. I was taught that the sexes are basically identical. Importantly, this meant that any two people in a relationship bring basically the same things to that relationship. Yeah yeah, everyone is different, but you’re looking for someone who is a match. Someone who values what you value, who is equally competitive, equally risk-taking, on an equally ambitious career track¹, that enjoys the same things you enjoy. So you look for someone with the same virtues you have, and try to suppress those parts of you that are significantly different from what you see in women. Those differences are what keep you in conflict, and alone, and unhappy. People should be the same.

Men learn to hate their masculine traits, women learn to hate their feminine traits, and everyone wants to fit themselves into an idealized Universal Average Human with one ovary and one testicle, that fits nobody.

As the reader that contacted me said:

“you're really just trying to date a man in a woman's body, and vice versa for women.”

Of course we were. We didn’t know any better. And why wouldn’t you want to date one of your best buds, one of the bros but in a hot chick body? That’s the dream! But it requires self-mutilation for both parties. And it’s a simple and kinda flat dream, compared to the alternative.

The strange and wonderful dance of finding someone who is different from you on a deeply fundamental level, but who wants to spin and counterpoint and take solace in the ways you are different and values those differences is breath-taking. For her to admire those differences she has to want there to be differences at all. And that goes for you too.

This means not complaining about chicks liking chick-stuff and being all emotional. It means legitimately admiring chicks for liking chick-stuff.² It means being in love with how they get all emotional. It means finding them more valuable than if they shared your own tastes and desires. It is delighting in femininity for its own sake.

Caveat

There’s many ways for humans to be, don’t get too hung up on the stereotypes. There are some feminine traits that I have, and others that I desperate lack and need in a partner. Likewise there’s some masculine traits I lack, and some I embody more than average. Part of the difficulty/challenge is finding someone who is strongest where you are weakest and vice versa.

See also the follow-up Valuing The Feminine

1. Maybe this is easier to see and do as one gets older? It’s a lot easier to not be as hung up on having a high-achieving partner now that I’m pretty financially secure.

2. And, likewise, not hating your dude-stuff, because your ideal partner will love it. It’s a gift to her, not a curse.