You know what’s super annoying? When you’re enjoying life and conversation, and someone butts in to correct some trivial point with “Well Actually, [small technicality that doesn’t matter].” Like, dude, we’re trying to have a conversation and what you’re saying doesn’t particularly matter. Why are you trying to correct a non-issue?

Seems mighty sus, like the person is trying to make someone look stupid and elevate their own position, for no good reason.

A perfect example of this — a soon-to-be-parent discussing the recent 6-week sonogram of their baby. They’re gushing about how wonderous it was to see this new life developing, and how thrilling it was to see that tiny lil’ heart doing its thing. In the midst of their joy Well Ackchyually Guy nods and says

“That is great, but actually, the heart doesn’t develop until 16-20 weeks, what you saw was basically a fluttering tube.”

(For the uninitiated, many resources for excited parents have long said that a heartbeat develops by the 6th week of pregnancy. In reality, at six weeks there is a single tube which begins fluttering at that time. That tube will later develop into a heart, and the flutter will solidify into the heartbeat we all recognize. But it takes another 2-3 months of development to get to this point.)

OMG, who cares? Why are you trying to step on someone’s happiness with this technical BS? Who are you to try to overrule the reassuring gynecologist that pointed at a static blur and said “You see that? That’s your baby’s heart! It looks like its coming along great!” With what authority, a google search?

People want to be excited and happy. So if there is a little bit of exaggeration, and something is referred to as a “heart” with a “heartbeat” when that’s not technically correct, why destroy that?

Y’all already know the punchline.

I’ve seen billboards with pictures of babies like this for years, all of them saying “I Had A Heartbeat A Six Weeks! Don’t Abort Me, pweeeeeease!”

Biiiiitch, you did NOT have a heartbeat, you had a fluttering tube! You weren’t a baby, you were an embryo. An embryo that looked like this monstrosity (NSFL) and is about this big:

And yet, now huge swaths of the country believes that cute little babies have beating hearts at six weeks of gestation. That belief helped drive “Heartbeat Bans” that prohibit abortion after six(!!) weeks in a dozen-ish states. Many of those bans literally reference a “heartbeat” in the law itself.

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Being sloppy has consequences.

If only someone had been around to help remind people that accuracy is important, that words mean things, and that being blasé about the truth can come around to rip you a new asshole in the future, OH WAIT WE DID, and we meme’ed him into a disgusting unfuckable shit that no one wants around, oops sucks to be us.

He tried to save us, guys. The whole time he was there, taking the social hits, trying to keep our maps of reality closely entwined with the territory. Now it’s too late. In the future, let’s pay a bit more attention to the people that are worried about whether something is actually true or not. You can admit that gay people aren’t technically born gay without it affecting that the fact that it’s basically beyond anyone’s control and is harmless. You can admit that men and women are almost at pay parity without it meaning women don’t face hardships. You can discard inaccurate or outdated beliefs without abandoning important fights.

And actually, it’s good to discard inaccurate beliefs, even “harmless” ones. The harm is still there, even if you don’t see it. Even if it takes decades to reveal itself. Even if it only harms poor women in Red states that you wouldn’t be caught dead in anyway.

Death Is Bad

Well Ackchyually Guy Was Right All Along