The Witcher, Episode 1: A Festivus Airing of Greivances

I saw the first episode of The Witcher on Festivus, and boy did that unintentionally fit the holiday theme. tldr is that the writers are just phoning this in, and hoping the strength of the fight choreography will keep people watching.

Full Spoilers below.

The problems start right out the gate, where we see a stranger fighting a monster. Why do I care about this monster, and whether it wins or not? Or is it the stranger I'm supposed to care about, because he's human? There are no stakes in this fight, I don't care about either participant, so I'm already bored. Also, since I know that's Geralt, I also know I'm *supposed* to care if he wins (lazy writing!), and that he will win because they aren't killing off the lead in the first 4 minutes of a series.

Geralt struggles to reach his sword when it's been knocked from his grasp, but fails to do so, and must go back to grappling. I guess this is suspense? He then reaches for it, and fails to get it, AGAIN. Oh my god. I was on pins and needles, seeing a close up of a hand failing to close around a sword for several grasps. How many times will this incredibly suspenseful gambit be reused? *At least once more*, because we have run time to pad!

Most of the rest of this episode is mumbled exposition in boring locations while two characters look at each other. This also fails to draw me in. I don't know what kingdom you rule, or why I am in support of it. I don't know who the Nilfgardians are, why they are coming, or what bad things will happen if they are not thrown back. Sure, the nobility will likely have some bad times, maybe execution, but they're nobility--they probably deserve it. Sic Semper Tyrannis! Like, I really just can't feel any anticipation at the revelation that the enemy army is already within your borders if I don't give a damn about you or your borders yet.

Same for your weird dissection of people born during an eclipse. That could've been spiced up with ominous music and flashbacks, or something. Just having two dudes mumbling at each other stoically about mutations had me actually zoning out.

Lets talk about the big skirmish between the two... armies? First of all, I don't know where the hell it happens. Is this nearby? Just outside the city? Several days' march away? Does this field even exist in the world? Because I swear before all the gods that if felt like a Green Screen Room that everyone was teleported to, and then later teleported back from. It's implied the battle goes on for at least a couple days, but I have no sense of time passing as well as no sense of location. And the CGI is the worst I have seen this decade. When we got distance shots of cavalry moving, or infantry rushing each other, it almost looked like I was playing Myth again. Well, ok, maybe not that extreme, but it was really bad.  The CGI in the Witcher 3 video game was strikingly better, which is just not something I expect from a Netflix show.

There were two really good things about this show, however. The first was Renfri, the maybe-demon lady. She has an actual personality, with motivation and everything! Her dialog is fun, she gets our sympathy very quickly, and she's a freakin' bad-ass. The actress portraying her does a fantastic job. I was willing to keep watching this series on the strength of what would be done with this character and her arc alone -- and then they killed her at the end of the episode. Y'all removed the only good thing about your show in the pilot, dammit. Screw this whole thing.

The other really good part was the two fight scenes we get at the end. They were beautiful. A high-budget call back to the ridiculously over-the-top Xena-style fighting from my childhood. It was pure bombast and awesome eye candy. I had so much fun watching them.

(I did hear a friend say that someone told him this was "very realistic fighting," which made me choke on my Comed-Tea. This is the opposite of realistic fighting. I don't care, because it was wonderful and super fun. But the only universe were someone could think this was realistic is if their only exposure to fight scenes is Marvel movies.)

Unfortunately, this is 2-3 minutes of screen time at the end of a 56 minute slog. It is not worth the loss of 1/16th of my waking hours for the day. I will be watching the fight scenes on YouTube, and that's it. I'm disappointed that a series with such potential was tanked by people who don't care to do any writing work.