Slam The Same Lady For A While
Aella's "Good At Sex" series of posts is one of the best things for gender relations since the invention of chocolate.1 I believe it’s aimed at helping guys new(ish) to the sexual marketplace (or “slammin’ arena”) to get good at sexing quickly via real, actionable info. It’s mostly from the woman's perspective, and it's very good, I def recommend reading all of it. I picked up several insights, and Post 3 on Werewolfing contains the best all-around general life advice for men that I’ve seen in a long time.
And yet! In letting guys know about the low-hanging fruit they can (and should!) be picking from the woman's side, it's necessarily missing a few low-hanging fruits from the guy's side. I want to cover a major one here.
Slam the same lady for a while. (“Rail”, “Plow” or “Smooch” are also acceptable, depending on your regional dialect) A good long while. At least six months, but honestly, over a year is ideal2. Yes really. The reason is simple - you can't practice at sex the first few times you have sex with someone, and no one can get good at something without a lot of practice. Practice can only be done in an ongoing relationship.
New Sex Isn't Practice
Having sex for the first time with someone new is like competing in the National Championship Finals. You are plowing as awesomely as possible based on everything you know and all the skills you have. This is not a time for growth, it is a time for execution. Yeah, over time with enough of these you'll pick up new things, but in terms of learning-per-thrust, the ratio is super low. You want to get good faster.
Building Comfort Is Your Goal
If you look at the stuff in The Marketplace of Sex, most of the things in it are things that are awkward to try for the first time with a new partner. They require a bit of social risk to venture. That's nerve wracking as hell if you've never done it before! "I'm not sure I can pull off dirty talk, never done it before, and I'm supposed to do it with someone I'm boning for the first time today? What if she's not into it? What do I do then, how do I recover? Gonna stick to quiet happy grunts."
Once you've established a good sexual rapport with someone it's much easier to try something new. You already know they like you enough to keep coming back to your dick. If something is awkward one night and doesn't work out, no big deal. They know it's a fluke and they'll return next weekend anyway. Being very comfortable with someone means that personal comfort can carry the load for trying-new-thing discomfort, bridging that gap into exploration. And the more you try things you worry about, things that seem scary and too vulnerable, the more natural and easy they become. Until eventually it's not scary at all, and you can offer this sort of thing to someone new, someone without personal-comfort to cover the gap, because there isn't any gap that needs to be covered anymore. You want to get to a natural “Here’s a thing I can do, wanna do it?”
But to get comfortable enough with someone that you can trust them enough to try what scares you and still keep coming back if it flops? That takes a while. At least a dozen jolly good rodgerings, but likely quite a bit more! You'll know when you're ready, don't delay much after you get to that point.
Build Comfort With Your Dick While You're At It
As we all discovered fairly early on, you can't just "last longer" by slowing down when you're about to come. At that point your dick has already engaged all engines and ain't nothing stopping it. The point where you are locked into orgasm comes before the orgasm process starts. Finding where your personal Point Of No Return is and what signals and sensations let you know you're getting really darned close to it is a process of discovery. A whole lotta trial-and-error.
And yes, obviously you do as much of that trial-and-error as possible solo, with your favorite porn and Palm-ella Hand-erson. But your hand is nothing like vag, either in sensation or in demands. The vag wants things from you, it calls to you, and you gotta learn how to keep it at least mostly engaged while deccelerating your own drive-shaft. You'll have to learn some more fine-tuning. This will take a combination of physical and mental techniques that'll take a while to hammer out. You know what really really helps with figuring all this out?
A happy, satisfied, trusting partner that wants you to get better at this too, because she'll also reap the rewards of you learning this stuff. Not only will you learn your own body and your own signals better over time, but she'll let you know what things work for her to keep her going as you're ramping down. Even if she doesn't say so explicitly (tho mad props to the ladies who do!) you'll be able to tell via her engagement levels, wetness, and physical reactions.
If she does give explicit feedback - hold on to her. That is pure gold3. <3
Keep It Going
Now that you've got a good level of personal comfort and some initial nervous energy removed from highly-popular lady-wants, you should keep that ball rolling. With the base of trust already firmly established you can start exploring into edgier things, stuff you wouldn't tell your parents about. (Some of you may have reached this level much earlier, of course. I don't know your relationship with your parents) The more comfort you build the more you can explore and learn about yourself, and the more further comfort you build up with more scary-seeming things.
A brief digression - The biggest change that comes over time with this is that you'll start seeing your dick as a good thing. When someone keeps coming back to you for sex over and over and is consistently happy and willing to help you get even better, you come to a realization. Your dick isn't an endless hunger-monster that needs to prey on vag. It is a thing that brings joy and pleasure into the world. You aren't imposing it on others. You're working together to create some of the most beautiful moments people can have. Yeah, it's delicate work, and you need to be careful. But ultimately it isn't evil. It is good, and wanted, when used for good. The comfort-with-your-dick that this brings is immeasurable.
This will also take a LONG time, if my experience is any barometer.
The nice thing about being comfortable with yourself when sexing is that women are (mostly) able to tell, and they really like it. Putting in a lot of time with one lady pays massive dividends over time. Also having such a strong relationship with a woman can be very fulfilling in general. It's nice to have a friend you are that comfortable with, and that you can ask about sex things from the opposite sex's POV.
And guys, a happy lady is by far the best wingman you'll ever have.
(standard caveat - as always, people have many varied tastes and styles and pheromones, you'll never have good sex with everyone, and that's fine. Yet another aspect of having a lot of good sex with one person is coming to trust that this is an aspect of human-variance and not intrinsic-badness-at-sex)
Always have emergency chocolate nearby
Obviously doesn’t have to be exclusively one lady, but should be very predominantly one specific lady.
Also harder to find among younger women, dating older can be fantastic!