One of the most pernicious misunderstandings I keep running into from my monogamous friends is the idea that polyamorous people treat their lovers as interchangeable. Once someone admitted that they emotionally-believe in their heart that we treat relationships as fungible and partners as commodities. This is a particularly insidious belief because while it is literally true that any person can be replaced, it is the exact opposite of true that people are interchangeable. It is perhaps impossible to grasp the latter without grokking the former.
There’s a bit in Star Trek 6 where Spock is talking to another Vulcan, a protege of his, and he tells her that he plans for her to replace him on the Enterprise. Her best line in the whole movie is, in response, “I could only succeed you, sir.”
I really like how you’ve gotten to the crux of these two synonyms. All things end. It’s true in life, as well as in physics. Friendships, relationships, stars and galaxies alike. But all of them are also unique and special and important. It’s good to hold both ideas at the same time
100% agree. Understanding this concept isn't just helpful for dealing with loss or understanding how polyamory actually works emotionally, it's also a good tool for lessening FOMO (fear of missing out), jealousy, and appreciating the relationships you've cultivated enough to treat them with the care they deserve.
"Personally, every deep relationship I’ve ever had (so far) has ended, starting from my childhood best friend in first grade. Every single one has moved away, or moved on, or grown apart over time, or been radically altered beyond saving. Accepting change and loss was a matter of emotional survival."
If this is true of both friends and lovers, odds are that you're doing something wrong. Moving away doesn't need to end relationships. I have deep relationships with people I haven't seen in years, or didn't see for years at a stretch; and one whom I've never seen. But staying close takes work. More than a Christmas card every year.
There’s a bit in Star Trek 6 where Spock is talking to another Vulcan, a protege of his, and he tells her that he plans for her to replace him on the Enterprise. Her best line in the whole movie is, in response, “I could only succeed you, sir.”
I really like how you’ve gotten to the crux of these two synonyms. All things end. It’s true in life, as well as in physics. Friendships, relationships, stars and galaxies alike. But all of them are also unique and special and important. It’s good to hold both ideas at the same time
The Star Trek clip I mentioned:
https://youtu.be/F4Op4vc3GBs?si=vQR8LVqk1PhQghAN
100% agree. Understanding this concept isn't just helpful for dealing with loss or understanding how polyamory actually works emotionally, it's also a good tool for lessening FOMO (fear of missing out), jealousy, and appreciating the relationships you've cultivated enough to treat them with the care they deserve.
Excellent and wise post.
Re. this:
"Personally, every deep relationship I’ve ever had (so far) has ended, starting from my childhood best friend in first grade. Every single one has moved away, or moved on, or grown apart over time, or been radically altered beyond saving. Accepting change and loss was a matter of emotional survival."
If this is true of both friends and lovers, odds are that you're doing something wrong. Moving away doesn't need to end relationships. I have deep relationships with people I haven't seen in years, or didn't see for years at a stretch; and one whom I've never seen. But staying close takes work. More than a Christmas card every year.