Unwanted Attributes

[epistemic status: just an emotion dump. sorry.]

I dislike men. The entire gender skeeves me out.

I'm not sure what caused this. Maybe it's because I didn't get along with my father, and I often saw him hurt my mother (with words, never with violence, but they were deep hurts). Maybe its because during my childhood and adolescence, our hated out-group was "Old White Men." The bastards who ruined everything, enslaved the rest of the world, grew fat with their wealth, and then rewrote history and hid all their misdeeds, never to pay for them. God how I hated them. Maybe it was because I saw first-hand how awful boys are too each other, especially in the middle-school-age demographic. It's fuckin' Lord of The Flies out there.

Regardless, I dislike men. The entire gender is, in my view, a collection of predators. Driven by an animal nature to destroy and defile and consume. It's not that they're evil, per se, it's just that their biology doesn't permit for anything else.

Half the reason I don't want to have children is that I run a 50% risk of having a boy for each child-attempt. I do not wish to bring a predator into my home. I don't want to raise a predator, to set loose upon society. And it's considered impolite to sex-select your children in our society.

I work in an industry that's predominantly female (accounting), and glad for it. I tend to seek out female friends. But I'm very aware that I'm an outsider from the only good gender.

Of course, I know plenty of good men. Some of them are very close friends of mine. I know these feelings of dislike aren't rational, and that attitude is sexist. But knowing it doesn't make the feeling go away.

I realized a few years back that I've been pitching my voice a bit higher my whole life in an attempt to be less threatening. I discovered that when I learned that most people don't need a day to recover after talking for an extended period, and can often read aloud for a full hour without any pain.

I'm jealous of the trans people I know. I understand that there is a very strong sense of being female-gendered, and stuck in the wrong body, and an awful sense of disphoria. Anyone feeling those things would want to be the correct gender. But a deep, intuitive part of me keeps insisting that it's a tactic to flee from being part of the oppressor class. And that the non-binary friends I have are doing the same thing. That it's all to stop being the vile male sex. It feels like cheating. It feels like the thing I should do, if I had enough courage to go through with it. It feels like it'd be betraying the minority decent people left in this gender, and truly abandoning it to the predators. But I don't want to be too slow about it either, languishing here long after there's only animals left.

I'm starting to avoid triggers. I now refuse to read anything that headlines how awful men are as a group. Just today I saw "What To Do We Do With The Art Of Monstrous Men?" I don't know what to do with something like that. I guess I'll just stay silent, because I sure as hell don't want to defend any of these rapists or predators. I'm ashamed enough to be associated with them due to my gender.

I don't know. I don't know how to be part of this group I can't stand, and can't leave.