Tear Down The Gates, String Up The Gatekeepers

Haven’t posted in a while cuz I’m fighting with COVID. I will get to various write-ups about weird Europe stuff and high-variance dating soon. It’s surprising how hard making words is with a dumb virus inside you. Right now I’m on Day 5 of symptoms.

On Day 3 I tested positive for COVID (see above for proof). In my foolishness I thought I could take my COVID test to the pharmacy and get Paxlovid. I had hallucinated some form of sanity that society did this now, apparently. I dragged my fading ass down to the nearest King Soopers.

“lol no, your doctor has to say it’s ok. Go show him the test.”

It’s after doctor’s hours. I have to wait until tomorrow to do this.

Day 4 - I call his office. Unfortunately he’s slammed, I can’t get a telehealth appointment until mid-afternoon the next day.

Day 5, 3pm - “Hey, you got COVID?” he asks.

“Yup.” I hold up the test to the camera.

Me and my doc go back quite a ways, we got a rapport, he knows what he can trust me on and etc. Even if he didn’t, I expect this would work with any doctor you’ve know more than a month, cuz it’s a fucking COVID test, who’s going around faking them to get a single course of Paxlovid??

“OK, I’ll have it in to your pharmacy ASAP.”

I waited 2 days for that. But wait, there’s more.

My closest pharmacy, the same one that told me “lol need dr’s approval” contacts me to say they’re all out of paxlovid, and can they pass it along to another nearby King Soopers? MFers. Yes, duh.

By the time the 2nd place contacts me to let me know to get it I’m knocked the heck out, cuz of this COVID thing that’s happening to me. When I’m mobile again the pharmacy is closed.

Rather than starting Paxlovid on Day 3, I probably won’t be starting it on Day 6, because some bullshit somewhere says grown-ass adults can’t be given Paxlovid unless a doctor vouches for them. Worse than being a woman in the ‘50s.

And I probably won’t be starting Paxlovid on Day 6 cuz apparently that’s the cut off where difference in treated/non-treated outcomes is negligible. At that point the symptoms will desist naturally right about the same time Paxlovid is kicking in. At least, from my understanding of it.

As the old kids used to say — ಠ_ಠ

Part 2

My hatred for medicinal gate-keepers was inflamed in Europe recently (OK, so I lied, I’ll write a little bit about Europe right now.)

I had back-surgery for a blown-out disc three years ago. It was a big deal, but it’s mostly OK now. Except I sometimes need to take muscle relaxers at night, especially if I’ve been crammed into a tight airplane seat for 11 hours, or I’m sleeping on what Europeans swear to their bizarre gods is a mattress but honestly appears to just be a rough-hewn block of wood with a blanket over it??

No big deal, cyclobenzaprine exists, and it’s super easy to transport in your carry-on luggage. The one catch is you have to not have left it on the kitchen counter on a different continent.

So now I’m facepalming hard. My doc will believe me if I’m calling him from Portugal, he knows I’m dumb and all… but is it possible to get a prescription sent to a pharmacy in Europe? How does that even work? Is there paperwork and passports involved? Ugh. Besides, it’s like 1am in America right now. I’m gonna have some really shitty nights. But fair’s fair I guess, stupidity SHOULD be painful.

“Oh ho ho, you silly Americans!” says my beautiful European companion. “Don’t you know you can just buy medicine when you need it?”

O_O

I’m not sure this will work, but it’s not like I’m not gonna at least TRY. We drive into town and in the VERY FIRST GODDAMN PHARMACY we stop in at, they grill me with “Oh yeah, how many milligrams you want? Oh, really… well how many pills? Alright wiseguy, cash or credit?”

Seriously. They acted like I was some kind of informed adult that could decide what sorts of drugs I wanted. When I acted shocked that I could just exchange money for muscle relaxers without a babysitter approving each pill the lady behind the counter shrugged. Like… they’re muscle relaxers, what was I gonna do? Sorta ease the pain of an old back injury and get drowsy? Oh noes!

(She didn’t say that last part)

FDA, I really hate you. Like, so much.