On Having Long(ish) Hair

I always wanted long hair. I always assumed I could not have long hair, because I was a nerd and nerds look bad with long hair. Only cool people can have long hair.

COVID lockdowns meant everyone grew out their hair for a while, and once that particular Rubicon was crossed (and I got good feedback from fellow humans) I decided to just keep going. I’ve learned a few things about hair since then.

Last year. It’s longer now. (I’m the taller one)

The first is that I now understand why girls always tuck their hair back behind their ears! My earliest thoughts on the matter were “Why do that? Don’t they know it looks bad? Of course they know it looks bad, I shouldn’t bring that up. That’s rude. Plus, no one cares about my opinion on their hair, they aren’t performing for me, even asking is objectifying. I shall keep my mouth shut and accept that there’s a perfectly good reason.”

And yes, it turns out there is! Long hair gets in your eyes all the freakin time!!! Tucking it back behind your ears will temporarily get the majority of it out of your way.

“How bad is it?” the non-long-hairs ask. Soooo bad. It’s worse than having stockings or some other uniform filter over your eyes, because your brain can mostly adjust for that sort of interference. The random streaks of obstruction everywhere, that shift constantly any time you move even the slightest bit, is really irritating. It makes small details disappear, and makes working with your hands significantly harder.

It happens whenever your head is tilted even slightly downward. Looking down at a countertop or a table or something on the floor or even your phone? Stochastic curtains fall into your peripheral vision, and wisps of them intrude into your area of focus.

I, too, thought wisps were not a big deal. But they’re terribly distracting, and occlude the small details that your brain would otherwise fill in via, I guess, saccades? More important, you’re suddenly UNDER MASSIVE ATTACK!!

Maybe it’s just me, but I have a very strong instinctive reaction to having my vision invaded upon by tendril-like intrusions from the periphery. I have spent many many hours of my life associating this type of vision distortion with sudden stress and panic. It means something is doing a lot of damage to me, and if I don’t sprint to cover immediately I will fail horribly at whatever I’m doing.

This is very stressful!

I have learned the salvation granted to us by Our Lord of Hair Ties. I now have dozens of hair ties stashed around the house, and always carry one. You never know when you might have to actually do something in the world, rather than just looking pretty. (Alarmingly, hair ties seem to despawn at a rate of about five per week. Where do they go??)

I was also taught the reason many working-class men wear bandanas, by my girlfriend who’d dated a lot more working-class men than I had. It ain’t just for the aesthetic. It’s because it’s one of the few male-coded ways to long hair out of your eyes when you’re trying to sand a door or run electric conduit or do some other physical activity that requires titling your head down by four or more degrees. Super handy, highly recommended.

But also the aesthetic, of course

I’ve learned that you gotta be aware of your hair (and your head-tilt) when you eat, lest you get hair in your mouth. I now lean over my plate less, and bring the food up to me via utensils more. There are two wolves inside me, and both of them have to stop wolfing down their food and start learning to use forks!

Relatedly, run your fingers across your cheek before you kiss someone. It’s not just sexy, it also lets you pull back your hair so it doesn’t get in your mouths.

Hair is neat when dancing, I assume it’ll get more fun as it gets longer.

Many girls like to touch hair, which is the best thing ever. This alone is worth the price of admission.

But seriously, the vision thing cannot be overstated. You know the most unrealistic thing about Lord of the Rings? This motherfucker pretending he can see orcs.

Legolas was smart enough to braid his hair back. No wonder the elves lol at humans.

Get a lady to braid your hair back before battle! They love braiding hair! Your un-stabbed guts will thank you for it later.